Seeking External Validation Is the Fastest Way To Betray Yourself
Everywhere you go, you always hear that one cliche advice: Trust In Yourself. Jiaminie. This, apparently, is the key to everything falling into place in your life. The advice sounds so doable. So easy, right? But is it really? For years, I have struggled with the concept of Kujiaminia, yani trusting and believing in what I am doing so much that I have unshakable confidence in that area. I have wondered, how do other people do it? How are they so brave? How do they not listen to that constant chatter in their mind that makes them doubt themselves?
Then, recently, I discovered that what was holding me back was not exactly that I didn’t believe in myself. What was holding me back was that I was seeking too much external validation. It wasn’t that the work I was putting out wasn’t good, it was that it didn’t seem good enough to the people I wanted their approval. It wasn’t that I wasn’t looking gorgeous in that outfit, it was that I had not received an applause from someone I thought had impeccable style. It wasn’t that I wasn’t doing well in life, it’s that I had not gotten that nod of acceptance from my family. And so, I let myself believe that I wasn’t there yet, even though from the outside looking in, anyone could see clearly that I was and continue to do good for myself.
External validation. That one monster that has followed me all my life. How do I kill it? How do I drag it out from under my bed and extinguish it? Simple: by internally validating myself and everything I am doing. Again, it sounds so easy, but it’s not. Because validating yourself circles back to that one cliche advice you have heard all your life: Trust in Yourself. Jiaminie. How the fuck, ladies and gentlemen and gentle-them, do you exactly do that though?
I have been thinking and these are three tips I have found that can help:
No-one is thinking about you as much as you are thinking about yourself
Literally, no one is thinking about you as much as you are thinking about yourself. Not your mother. Not your sister. Not your closest friends. Not your boss. Not your employees. No one is thinking about you as much as you are thinking about yourself. This is such a liberating thought because what it signals is that no one understands your dreams and ambitions as much as you do. No one is occupying the world the way you do. So why would you want to seek their validation if they can never understand your truest ambitions??
When I first heard this concept, I felt free. It made me stop thinking of my achievements as something that I needed approval of because only I could understand why they were an achievement. It made me think: I didn’t need to fit in the mold, I could carve out my own path according to the things that inspire me, because I am the only one that understands them. It also made me not put too much pressure on following what expectations other people have of me. I understood that even though they might be coming from a good place, their expectations are shaped by the way they perceive the world, and the way I perceive the world is different from their perceptions, so why would I want to be stuck in someone else’s world when I can make my own?
Take your time to form your own opinions
We live in a world of information. TikTok. X. Instagram. Facebook. YouTube. Reddit. All social media platforms are filled with information ready for our access at any time of the day. We are the first generation to know all about the world in a matter of seconds. This is very progressive, and beautiful in its own way, but it also means that it’s very easy for us to get overstimulated with all kinds of opinions and information.
When we don’t form our own opinions, or worse, when we are constantly seeking external validation, it gets so easy to follow the grain instead of taking time to understand the issues at hand. I have struggled with this a lot, especially when there is a hot trending topic and it seems like it’s all everyone is talking about, and I want to contribute to the conversation but I’m not exactly sure how to. What I am learning is that taking time to form your opinion is very important but once you do, do not shy away from voicing it. It matters what you think, if not to the people who are willing to listen to it, then to yourself. Your opinions can tell you a lot about the person you are, and you need that information to be even more confident in becoming the best version of you.
Being confident is all about becoming your optimal self
The thing about trusting in yourself is that it allows you to become confident, right? But, it doesn’t make you confident in becoming someone you are not. Actually, the opposite. Once you stop seeking external validation and trust your inner compass to guide you, you become free to become your optimal self, and that person, that unique person, comes out as the most confident version of you. You don’t have to be suddenly loud if your nature is to be quiet and introverted and you don’t have to be suddenly embracing quiet energy when your nature is being loud and extroverted.
What trusting in yourself, and what being confident in your own skin means is that you are dialing up the authentic energy and personality you possess so much that you become the person of your dreams. This is especially essential for any artist. Artistry in itself demands the most authentic parts of ourselves. You cannot create really beautiful and meaningful and impactful art work unless you have tapped into your inner world and embraced it fully. That’s how you get to not seek external validation because once you see the beauty you can create, the beauty that can come out of you, you won’t ever need any approval. Any other external validation that you get will only be a cherry on top of the cake of your own steady internal validation that you have of your own work.